DEAR ABBY: My parents were married for 50 years. My dad remarried a nice lady a year after Mom died. They had gotten engaged two months after they met.
Dad made more than a few missteps, including announcing the engagement on Facebook before informing Mom’s sister, inviting the new wife to Mom’s delayed memorial service, bragging about his “child bride” (she’s 72, and he’s 82) to the priest at my nephew’s hospice deathbed, ignoring Mom’s wishes to have her ashes placed in a sectarian columbarium rather than scattered in her favorite state park, and other actions that felt like a slap in our faces and disrespect for Mom’s memory. I’ve had therapy over this.
My latest headache is Dad is constantly bragging about his new wife. Every single time I call, he puts her on speakerphone, and he has to call her “child bride,” “beloved bride,” “blushing bride” or something else equally revolting. He can’t just call her by her name, which happens to be the same as my mom’s.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when he referred to her as his “lover.” By the way, she once forgot her estrogen cream on a trip, and I had to ship it to them overnight. (I can’t believe I had to ship my stepmom’s sex cream!)
Do I have the right to ask him to stop calling her weird lovey-dovey names and just use her name? These nicknames are a stab in my heart.
I’m OK with him being remarried — happy for him — but it feels like he’s bragging about his ability to remarry or something. It’s gross, and I find myself afraid to even call him anymore.
— YUCK FACTOR IN TEXAS
DEAR YUCK FACTOR: Your father is still in the “honeymoon” phase of his marriage, and love has been known to make people goofy.
While it may have been insensitive for you to have been asked to ship estrogen cream to his “lover,” there are other things that could have been even more embarrassing. You may have been the only person they could ask. (Imagine how it would have gone over if they had contacted your aunt.)
It may take another round of therapy for you to quit taking your father’s comments to heart as you have. I am sure he isn’t being intentionally disrespectful of your mother’s memory. I sincerely hope you will avail yourself of counseling before you resent your father even more for his happiness.
DEAR ABBY: When we mail a sympathy card to a grieving friend many miles away, we often enclose a check to help finance a memorial to their church or other favored institution.
Our problem comes three or more months later, when the check still hasn’t cleared. What is the socially appropriate way of reminding them to cash the check short of calling and saying, “Hey, get with the program and cash the check!”?
— UNCLEARED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR UNCLEARED: Contact the person and say, “I notice that the check I sent for the memorial still hasn’t been cashed. Did you receive it, or could it have been lost in the mail?” Phrasing it this way is not a breach of etiquette.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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