DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend asked me to join her and a few other people for lunch. This was not something I wanted to do, so I claimed to have conflicts on the two dates she suggested.
Then she said, “Well, what would be a good day for you?”
I said something about just not being sociable, but it didn’t feel very good. What could I have said, short of “never”?
GENTLE READER: “Let me get back to you.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently attend team lunches and dinners with my immediate department members, both supervisors and associates.
These dining experiences are mostly personal affairs and come after a week of hard teamwork. We work in an industry where we will be in one location for a few months, and then move on to another city. We all get along and have each other’s back.
But here is the problem: There are two members of our team who are in their 20s, and they both have the worst table manners! They set their bread on the bare table, as well as any soiled cutlery. They cut up their entire meal into tiny pieces like they are toddlers. I could go on, but you get the idea.
These are nice young women! They are college-educated. Each one complains that they never get a second date after dining at a nice restaurant, and I understand why.
I am well aware it is not my duty to advise them of how to butter a dinner roll. But I feel sorry for them and am frequently embarrassed for them. Should I just accept there is nothing any of us can do?
GENTLE READER: Although there is, today, too much blurring of the professional and personal spheres, it was always understood that an otherwise promising mentee who did not know how to speak or behave in polite company would be at a disadvantage in a professional career — and that a good mentor might have to help make up this deficiency.
Perhaps you can identify a senior member of the team who might act in this more general capacity for these two — as a professional mentor, that is, knowing that finding opportunities for them to improve their table manners will be only a part of their extracurricular education. This might make a positive difference for their careers — while not putting anyone in the position of promising that any second dates hinge upon the superior etiquette discernment of 20-something males.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece worked at a well-known retail store in the 1980s. She told me they were required to greet customers because research has shown that people are less likely to steal after a personal exchange.
Now I bristle a bit and feel insulted when I am greeted at a store.
GENTLE READER: Rest assured that in a few years, new research will show that the original research was incorrect for any number of reasons. Miss Manners has stopped following the details.
Admittedly, though, the next time a hostess greets Miss Manners by name at the door, she may stop to wonder if it is a nefarious way to discourage her from pocketing the silverware.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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