Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for more than 40 years. She’s great. But a reoccurring point of friction and, really, anger on my part is over the dishwashing and laundry at our house. She’ll let them accumulate beyond what I can stand.
So, long ago, I began just doing all of my own laundry and cleaning up the kitchen.
Most spouses, I think, would be happy with that, right? But as I am doing either of those tasks she breaks in with lectures about how I am not doing things right. “You must put the detergent in before the clothes,” “you’re not loading the dishwasher right,” “you need to let that pot soak before you wash it” and on and on and on.
Really? I’m doing these things and you are criticizing my methods?
So, what is her problem? What is in her mind when she does that? How do I get her to stop the criticism?
– Frustrated Husband
Dear Husband: I’m not trying to sound flippant — however, the fact is I don’t know what’s in your wife’s mind, but she does. So, you should ask her. But maybe not while you’re loading the dishwasher or unloading the dryer.
You both have mismatched expectations about household chores. Not just when they get done or how, but who’s responsibility they are. For instance, you write that you started doing your laundry out of frustration. Are you also doing hers? Or do you leave that for her? If you are washing her clothes, as well, are they coming out how she expects?
There aren’t any wrong answers here, per se – every couple creates their own marriage. But it sounds like a lot of the conflict that you’re having comes from an expectation that you have which she’s not meeting and an expectation that she has which you’re not meeting.
A conversation at a neutral time can help tease that out. Start by asking each other what an ideal division of household labor would look like. Ask “what are the chores that you like to do?” and “what are the chores that you would like to never do again?” See where you match.
Once you’ve started to sketch out a division of labor that works for both of you, and is rooted in communication, you can start to talk about the friction points. But lead with curiosity. You might ask her what bothers her about the way you load the dishwasher, for instance. You might also decide to try out her way.
Dear Eric: I am a 64-year-old woman and have had double knee and double hip replacements. I am a slow walker and have mobility issues, but I am OK.
What I find tiresome is I feel I am continually getting advice from people about different treatments, meds, PT, how to walk, blah blah.
I’m sick of it. Like I haven’t thought about it (or done it) already. I know people are well-meaning and trying to help, but the unsolicited advice never stops.
It’s hard not to get angry. I end up feeling very defensive and saying something like, “I’m fine, thank you.” Any other polite boundary suggestions?
– I’m Fine, OK
Dear Fine: Depending on the relationship, you may choose to be more or less terse. But don’t let an obligation to politeness keep you from clarity.
If you’re getting feedback from strangers, it’s fine to say, “I know you mean well, but I’ve got great doctors and we’ve got a plan I’m confident in.”
People tend to be insistent about their anecdotal experience, particularly when it comes to medical advice. This isn’t a bad thing when asked for or welcome, but everybody is different and one person’s miracle cure might be another person’s placebo. So, if strangers press, it’s time to shut it down. “I said no, thank you.”
Your body and your health are not open items up for public debate. When you tell someone what your boundary is and they ignore it, you’ll be best served by drawing a clear line.
Similarly, with friends, you may want to be proactive. “I’ve been getting a lot of advice about my health lately. I’m getting a little full, and I really trust my doctors to guide me. So, if you’ve got something to say, please ask me if I’m open to a suggestion first.” Then, if they offer advice unprompted, remind them that you need them to ask if you’re open to it first.
Ideally, a friend who cares about you will understand and adjust. But you may find some people still struggle with asking permission. With those friends, the loving, healthy – and, I would argue, polite – thing to do is to set an even firmer boundary. If your health comes up, the conversation is over.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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