Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, my husband’s brother and his wife let us know they were going no-contact with us. They said it was permanent.
When we asked the reasons, we heard we are insensitive and had hurt their feelings beyond repair.
They also stopped contact between us and their 3-year-old son and their baby. They said contact with us would damage their children.
Attempts to apologize to them for offenses we barely understand didn’t work.
Five years ago, at a family wedding, my brother-in-law spoke with my husband but snubbed me to my face. He wouldn’t even say hello.
Now another family wedding is scheduled next year. I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again. I’m thinking of simply saying hello if I see them and letting it go at that.
Any advice will be taken to heart. I am struggling and it’s a year away.
– Contact with No Contact
Dear Contact: It’s clear that the pain from this estrangement is still a powerful force in your life, and I’m sorry.
Not being able to have a resolving conversation – even if that conversation leads to the end of a relationship – keeps an emotional wound open. It can be disempowering and frustrating.
As you prepare for this next wedding, think about the reality of your relationship in the present (or lack thereof) and what your ideal interaction would be, given those parameters. A simpler way of putting it: All things being equal, you’d want to have a conversation, but things are not equal so what would feel best?
If I could offer a gentle nudge: Given the snubbing and their 20 years of estrangement, for you the ideal might be no interaction at all.
Think about the needs you have – you want to feel safe emotionally at this wedding. Even saying hello might result in bruised feelings or worse. However, if you decide that the healthiest thing to do might be focusing on the relationships you have with other relatives and enjoying the wedding with them, you’ll go into the event with achievable expectations.
Dear Eric: I am a married man in my early 40s with no kids.
My wife does a good job keeping in touch with friends of hers from her childhood and throughout the years in her life despite not living near them and being in different phases of life.
It’s admittedly a lot harder for me. I have a few close buddies that I continue to keep in touch with, none of whom live nearby.
Prior to the pandemic and to two out-of-state moves, my social circle was much larger: nearby friends who I met as a young adult after college, as well as a couple of other good buddies in other geographic regions who I have known since college or prior. As with many things during the pandemic, these friendships just seemed to fall off.
My wife and parents have all been asking more about some of the previous friends, with my wife trying to encourage me to consider reaching out.
I truly don’t even know what to do. I must admit that I find myself at this point on a bit of a different wavelength from where at least I remember a lot of my friends being, so I don’t know that there’d be much in common anymore.
Given the time and all factors, I have to ask if these are dormant or lost friendships?
– Dormant Friend
Dear Friend: You’re not alone in struggling with adult friendship. A 2021 study by the Survey Center on American Life reported that 15 percent of men say they have zero close friends. And a feeling of isolation isn’t limited by gender. The pandemic, social media, the new rhythms of life – they’ve all made it sometimes harder to navigate continued connection.
Every week, I get questions from people of all ages trying to figure out how to be better connected socially and how to have more meaningful platonic relationships.
Here’s what I know: It’s never too late to let someone know you’ve been thinking of them, and it won’t be as awkward as you fear.
It’s important to right-size your expectations, though. If you go in thinking that a catch-up call with an old friend is going to fall back into familiar cadences, you might be disappointed. But if you acknowledge to yourself, and even to them, that time and circumstance have made you different people, you give yourself the space to make something new.
Don’t beat up on yourself about losing touch with friends. One definition of the word dormant is “asleep.” It’s possible for these friendships to wake up again. They’ll be different, but don’t rob yourself of the chance to experience them anew.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Leave a Reply