DEAR HARRIETTE: I was in a toxic relationship for about a year. I was completely attracted to this guy, but the rest of it didn’t work. There was always one conflict after another.
My problem is, I keep remembering the great sex that we had. He was by far the best lover I’ve ever been with. I’m sure I put up with a lot of his inadequacies because the physical aspect was so good.
I’ve been thinking about calling him just for a hookup. I mean, just the thought of him sends me swooning.
Here’s the thing: It’s never just a hookup. We like each other, and it gets sticky. Then we usually hurt each other’s feelings and separate. Plus, I’ve never been good at doing hookups anyway.
What I want more than anything is a real relationship with great sex. What should I do? I really want to call him.
— Hot for Him
DEAR HOT FOR HIM: Leave that man alone. Since you two haven’t figured out how to have a casual relationship or a committed one, this is not the relationship for you.
As tempting as it seems, getting with him under these circumstances will surely lead to some form of heartbreak. That suggests that the sex is way too expensive emotionally.
This is where the practice of self-pleasure needs to go to the top of your list and stay there until you meet the right person. When you do meet someone, you can recall what you liked about your former man’s techniques and communicate those preferences to the new guy (without mentioning your ex, of course).
DEAR HARRIETTE: While most of my family members moved away when they went to college, I stayed in town. Fast-forward to 40-some years later: I’m still here, and I am the one everyone is relying on.
Recently, my father passed away, and the arrangements were totally left to me even though I have several siblings. This came after I organized all his care for the past few years of his life.
Now another family member has fallen ill, and all eyes are looking in my direction for help.
While I am helping out the best I can, it is way too much for me. I have a demanding career and my own family to deal with.
I cannot be the caretaker for everyone in my life. How can I let people know?
— Drawing the Line
DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Speak to your family and friends about what you have learned from taking care of your father. Share details about caregiving roles and responsibilities and costs.
Use the currently ill family member’s situation as an example of what is happening and how much goes into helping them. Then point out that it is too much for you to take on by yourself. Ask for help. Be specific with your requests.
Since these people have not had this responsibility in the past, it will be unfamiliar for them to assume now. You will have to put on your teaching hat as you push for help.
Beyond that, encourage everyone to consider their end-of-life plans. Do they have a will? A health care proxy? A plan in place for their lives? If not, encourage them to get that paperwork in order now.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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