Dear Eric: My fiancé and I are facing an impasse regarding the guest list for our upcoming wedding.
His brother is the best man, and I want to exclude the brother’s wife from the invitation list.
She consistently refuses to engage with me socially, going no further than a brief “hi.” There has been no conflict; she simply does not converse with me. If I ask her about herself or what’s going on in her life she will answer, but there’s no back and forth. I doubt she even knows my name.
For context, my fiancé is Hungarian, and his family is small. Although the sister-in-law speaks English fluently, she is the only family member who never attempts to talk to me or ask me any questions. While they invited me to their wedding a few months ago, I believe it was purely out of obligation.
My fiancé says that excluding her will create drama. He has acknowledged her behavior has been “mean-spirited” in the past, yet he excuses it as shyness and says she took years to warm up to him. I find this a poor excuse for a complete lack of basic manners, and I am unwilling to have a guest at my wedding who will not speak to me.
I have told my fiancé that he needs to discuss this with his brother, but he has not done so, and invitations are about to be sent out. I am intent on sending a clear message by not including her. From now until our wedding there won’t be any more chances to interact as we don’t live in the same country.
Am I overreacting or is it reasonable to save my money while also slighting her?
– Guest List
Dear Guest List: You’ll have enough people to talk to at your wedding. Just invite her. Not doing so would send a message so aggressive, it would likely create ongoing problems in the family and isolate you and your husband.
It’s hard for me to tell if she is being intentionally rude or if she’s shy or something else entirely. But you do point out that she’ll respond to you when asked a question, so it doesn’t sound like she’s being intentionally cruel.
This circumstance would be different if this was a friend’s date. (Although a wedding guest list is not an ideal place for score-settling in general.) But this is your future brother-in-law’s wife. And, as you note, the family is small. Her exclusion would loom over every part of your wedding day.
So, which is worse: a tepid conversation with her or having every conversation at your wedding be about her?
Dear Eric: My husband and I have lived in our very spacious, comfortable, lovely home for many years. I am in my 80s. My husband is 90. We are each fortunately in reasonably good health.
At times we talk about downsizing, perhaps moving to a retirement community.
Over the years, at home and in our travels, we have accumulated art, antiques, furnishings, some of which may have significant value, others not much at all.
Our children may want some things, but a good deal would remain. How and where do folks in our circumstances find out what items are worth, who and how to consult?
– Heirlooms and More
Dear Heirlooms: For many years, the television series “Antiques Roadshow” has been helping people like you answer that exact question. But you needn’t wait for your spot in front of the camera. Depending on the nature of your collection, the items in your house may be of interest to an art gallery, an antiques dealer, a vintage store, or a secondhand reseller. You may have a collection that is of interest to an auction house.
Enlist your children’s help in categorizing your belongings by type – art vs. antiques vs. furniture, for instance. Tell them that they can lay claim to whatever they want, but you want their assistance in reaching out to professionals who help you appraise everything else.
Involving them starts the conversation about what you’re going to pass down to them, and it also gives you support to keep from getting scammed. This isn’t the kind of project where they’d need to be there every day. But they can do the legwork of finding the kind of gallery that specializes in the kind of art you collect, for instance.
If you’d prefer to get the ball rolling on your own, I’d start by having an informational conversation with a local antiques dealer you like. They can walk you through their collection process, things they look out for, and ways that you can expedite the process. They’d likely be willing to walk through your house with you and give you ideas for next steps, as well.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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