Dear Eric: For Christmas my husband and I travel a few hours and stay at a hotel near our son’s family.
There is a man who works there readying the breakfast buffet. Each Christmas he gets dressed in a very festive outfit. And he mistakenly thinks that trying to bear-hug strange hotel guests coming in for breakfast is a good thing to do.
The first year he caught me totally off guard and he gave me such a bear hug, he actually hurt me.
This year, when I saw him coming, I had enough time to block and crouch to get away from him. Even with that defensive move on my part he did not get the message, and he was still able to get in a sideways bear hug.
One gentleman stepped back and firmly told him that he did not hug, and he does not want to be hugged by a perfect stranger.
I don’t want to be unkind, but his hugging of strangers is inappropriate.
I understand that it was Christmas and I am not a nasty or harsh person, and I do have a good sense of humor and fun but regardless I find his behavior inappropriate.
Do you think I am being too hard on this person, and do you have any tips you can pass along that can help to avoid this kind of physical invasion of personal space? Or should I just mention it to the front desk and let the chips fall where they may?
– Naughty or Nice
Dear Nice: Plain and simple, you have the right not to be touched in ways that you don’t want to be touched. So, it’s appropriate – and not unkind – to stop him in his tracks, or even to preempt the hug by saying something like “I notice that you hug people, tomorrow at breakfast, please skip me. That’s not something that makes me feel comfortable.”
It’s also fine to talk to management. It doesn’t have to be a formal complaint, per se. They undoubtedly know about his tradition and have given him the go-ahead. So, it might be helpful to ask them to remind him to ask permission of guests first. Or even something like, “I’d love to keep enjoying my stays here, but I don’t want a hug. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. Do you have any suggestions?”
Ultimately, don’t be afraid to say “no, thank you” to behavior like this. It doesn’t make you a Grinch. This kind of communication will make your experience, and his, healthier.
Dear Eric: A couple of months ago, at a party hosted by a friend, I met this guy. We talked briefly, and he seemed nice, but I didn’t ask for his number because I didn’t know if he liked me or not, and I wasn’t that interested at that point either.
A little over a month later, I ran into the party’s host and he mentioned (with a bit of gusto and flair, I might add) that this guy had liked me. I was flattered, but I didn’t think to ask for his contact information at the time.
Now I’m wondering if and how I should follow up and get the guy’s contact information.
I’m hesitant to reach out to my friend just to request someone else’s phone number and turn him into the “middleman.” To top things off, it’s almost been a month since our conversation about the guy liking me.
Is there some way I can ask without getting into awkward territory, or should I just let it go?
– Jumping Through Hoops
Dear Jumping: I say just reach out to your friend and get the information and don’t worry about the awkward factor.
It’s obviously still on your mind and it seems, at least a month ago, it was on your friend’s mind. There’s no harm in saying, “A while ago you mentioned this man was interested. I’d love to get his number if you don’t mind.” Short and simple.
Perhaps you fear that your friend will judge you. I would offer that he went through the trouble of bringing up this issue to you, unprompted. So, a connection between you and the other guest is probably what he wants.
But what matters most is what you want. We live in a disconnected age. It can seem strange to ask others to help us make connections, but that’s still crucial now, perhaps even more so than before.
Wanting anything, expressing any sort of enthusiasm or vulnerability, could be described by some as awkward or even cringe-worthy. But I think it’s quite noble to say, “I’ve been thinking about this; I’m open to possibility. Please help me connect.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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