Dear Eric: My husband’s brother was a nice guy, albeit boring and a conversation hog. But he was family and we invited him, along with his wife and son, to our home over the years (they lived 500 miles away). He passed away three years ago.
His wife is one of the nastiest people I’ve ever met. She was verbally abusive to her husband, screaming and berating him in public. She was terrible to my in-laws who were very kind/sweet people. She has even screamed at me in our home while visiting. Since he died, I have no desire to see her again.
She will be traveling to a city 200 miles from us next summer. She wants us to meet her there. I do not want to spend the time or money to meet her. My husband feels torn, guilty about ignoring his brother’s wife.
We still talk to her, usually because we have called her. As an aside, we spent over $3,000 to fly our entire family out to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary several years ago. She totally ignored ours.
I feel like I have been giving enough over the years and I just want to say no. My husband is wavering. Thoughts?
– Done With Her
Dear Done: There’s a difference between saying “no” to an isolated request and ignoring a relative.
Your husband’s guilt might be at least partially assuaged by being direct. You don’t necessarily need to get into all your grievances with her; you can simply say, “We’re not going to make the trip. We hope you have fun.”
It’s also worth asking yourselves what a reasonable expectation of this relationship is. Your husband, understandably, may feel an obligation that’s partly rooted in his grief over losing his brother. It could be worth it to him to keep up this relationship, even if your sister-in-law is unpleasant. You don’t always have to go along, because you may have a different expectation.
I also want to point out that your assessment of your late brother-in-law wasn’t exactly glowing. You’re entitled to your opinion, but it’s healthy for you to acknowledge that you and your husband are coming from different places emotionally.
You can keep your distance, but if he wants to go, let him. It may be simply what he needs to do.
Dear Eric: I met an interesting person at a friend’s party and, a few weeks later, invited her to a lunch of six people at my house. The lunch included our mutual friend.
I looked forward to getting to know her and therefore seated her next to me. I should add that this was entirely platonic. I’m a 70-year-old heterosexual woman and she’s in a happy heterosexual marriage.
I tried to engage her in conversation, asking about her work and what I knew of her interests and she responded tepidly. When I came back from clearing the plates, bringing coffee and dessert, I found that she had left her place next to me and squeezed in next to our mutual friend at the other end of the table, dragging her chair to the new position, and was deeply engrossed in conversation with her.
I was so taken aback I didn’t say anything. She continued to engage only with her friend for the rest of the lunch, leaving me with no one sitting to my right.
I felt hurt, and shocked, but was I wrong? Is this normal behavior? What could I have said?
– Ruffled by Guest
Dear Guest: Your feelings are valid and understandable. This person was a guest in your home, and her behavior comes off as ungracious. This may not be the intention, though. It’s possible that she misread the cues and got too comfortable.
Conversely, it’s possible that she has social anxiety and retreated to a conversation with someone she knew better. Indeed, the small gathering of, I presume, people who were mostly strangers to her may have been more than she could handle. That’s also understandable, but it would have been better for her to decline the invite with an explanation or, in the moment, to say “I appreciate your hospitality. I’m very shy. I hope you don’t take offense.”
Kudos to you for being welcoming and creating the space to make a new friend. I’m sorry it didn’t work out as planned. I’m not sure there’s much you could have said in the moment that wouldn’t have made things awkward in such a small group or needlessly put the guest on the spot.
If you want to try again, though, it’s best to address the unmet expectations in a non-adversarial way: “I had hoped to get to know you better and I was disappointed that we didn’t have much conversation. Are you interested in being friends?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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