Dear Eric: I recently pet-sat for somewhat new friends. I had been invited on a weekend trip with them but had a work commitment that meant I couldn’t go. I offered to pet-sit for them, which is something I’ve done for other friends from time to time.
During the weekend there was an incident which wasn’t really anyone’s fault that resulted in some minor property damage. I let them know via text what happened and explained the situation and offered to cover any damages.
They were super nice and have followed up several times to say it’s fine and not to worry and to make sure I was OK. One texted me to let me know they used it as a motivation to upgrade to something nicer.
I feel like things are smoothed over but I also want some resolution so I can feel like our friendship is back on an even keel.
Should I insist on buying them a fancy gift, take them out to a very nice dinner, insist on paying for my share of the repair, or offer pet-sitting for life? If they have moved on, I also want to move on and don’t want them to feel that I’m making too big a deal out of it when all they’ve been is generous.
– Oops
Dear Oops: Take them at their word that it’s water under the bridge.
It sounds like what happened really was an accident and they’re not holding ill will toward you. You’ve asked them how to make it right and they’ve said that it’s all good.
If you’re still anxious, either take them out to dinner to get face-to-face confirmation that all is well and move on or send them a check with your best guess at the cost of the repairs and a note thanking them for their graciousness.
I’m reminded of a story I heard on “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” The actress Lisa Bonet was staying at Taylor Swift’s house while the singer was away. Somehow Bonet’s Burmese python got into one of the walls in the house. (I presume this isn’t what happened during your pet-sitting stay, but one never knows.) To get the snake out, contractors had to take apart part of the wall. Bonet’s daughter, Zoe Kravitz, decided not to tell Taylor Swift anything about it until everything was back to new. Taylor’s response? She’d already heard about it from her house manager, and she’d been “laughing about it for weeks.”
Now, I imagine that your friends aren’t quite as wealthy as Taylor Swift, but the point is when someone says “mistakes happen, all is forgiven” we’re allowed to believe them. Who knows, they may be feeling guilty that while doing them a favor, you had to deal with this incident.
At the end of the day, everyone is OK, their house is fine, and there are no snakes in the walls. There’s no bad blood here.
Dear Eric: I have a friend I’ve known for many years. Lately, he’s been avoiding people and not going out as much.
He recently confided in me that he’s having problems at home, that his wife is an alcoholic and she’s mean when she drinks.
He hasn’t been physically abused but is taking a mental and emotional beating. It’s affecting him to the point he is isolating himself.
He is in his 60s and I am worried about him. How can I help?
– Worried Friend
Dear Friend: It’s good that he confided in you. He needs outside support and he likely needs to hear that he’s not trapped and there are options.
First, address the isolation. Be proactive about inviting him over, going over to check on him, and reminding him that he doesn’t have to be around his wife when she’s drinking. If you have the space, offer him a place to stay for a night. Knowing that he has another option will do wonders.
Suggest that he talk with someone from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/ 800-799-SAFE). Emotional abuse is domestic abuse, and it can escalate and endanger your friend. He is not alone and there are local and national resources for him. Don’t diagnose or shame him; listen, reflect back what you’re hearing, and offer options.
Lastly, suggest that he go to an Al-Anon meeting or a SMART Recovery Family meeting online or in person. Volunteer to go with him, if you can.
Going to one of those meetings won’t require him to admit anything nor commit to anything. But what he’ll find is that he’s not alone and there are people who have been in his position and can help him find a way out. They will have options for getting your friend’s wife the help that she needs.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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