DEAR MISS MANNERS: Elevators have been in existence, I believe, for more than 150 years, but there does not seem to be a system of accepted manners related to them.
It is true that we no longer dance around in the elevator so as to allow all the women to get out before the men. There is, however, pandemonium on first floors, when people wishing to board will not wait for occupants to get off. The expressions on their faces indicate they are astonished to find that the machine contains passengers!
I am going to give you my solution and petition you for approval of my actions, which I believe will correct the problem over time.
I am a 6-foot man, and when I stick out my elbows, I pretty much fill the space between the doors. When the doors open, if I note any inclination for those outside to crowd in, I spread my arms and say in a loud voice, “It is not polite to crowd in when people are coming out.”
Do I have your approval for this behavior, and do you think it will prove to be effective?
GENTLE READER: You do not — firstly, because you are going to elbow some unsuspecting person in the face, and secondly, because it is rude to correct another’s manners.
Both problems can be avoided if you instead say, “Excuse us, people coming out, please.” If the announcement is made in a booming voice, it will be surprising enough to render the physical barrier of sticking out your arms unnecessary.
Even so, Miss Manners does not see this solving the problem everywhere and for all time, unless you plan to spend an awful lot of time in elevators.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a month, my grandmother hosts a group of friends at her house for a chat and an afternoon tea.
She loves the company and the catch-up, as they are all older and can’t get out much, especially since COVID.
I noticed one guest is very snippety and degrading to the rest of the group, but my grandmother says it isn’t her place to say anything.
I noticed the group declining in numbers and coming up with reasons not to come. My grandmother is angry at her friends for not coming over. I gently hint that if someone is being rude, and the hostess does not ask them to be more mindful, then yes, people will stop coming.
However, she tells me I am wrong and that a hostess doesn’t tell anyone to, in my generation’s words, “stay in their lane.”
How can I get my grandmother to understand this before she loses the friends altogether?
GENTLE READER: Forgive this grandmother for not understanding what you are asking yours to do.
Miss Manners hopes it is not to commit the unpardonable rudeness of calling out a guest’s rudeness to her face. (The guest’s face, that is. Once the guest is gone, you are free to try to convince your grandmother that this guest is scaring away her other friends.)
You might be more successful if you say that that person is not to everyone’s taste, and perhaps Grandmama can socialize with her one-on-one and convene a more like-minded group for afternoon teas.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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