DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter got married about a year ago and moved to New Jersey with her husband. He is from there, and his whole family lives in New Jersey as well.
I have always been close with my daughter, so this has been a difficult transition for me because I live in Ohio. However, what has been even more difficult is how my daughter has started becoming extremely close with his family — especially his mom.
I’m glad that she’s getting along with his family, but I hate to admit that I am jealous. She goes to family dinners at her in-laws’ house almost every week, spends weekends with them and talks about how helpful and supportive they’ve been in her new married life.
Meanwhile, I get phone calls only when she has time, and visits are rare and expensive.
I can’t help but feel like I’ve been replaced, even though I know that may not be fair.
I don’t want to guilt her or make her feel bad for building relationships with her in-laws, and I don’t want to come across as needy or emotionally manipulative. I also don’t want to sit quietly with this painful feeling of being pushed to the sidelines.
How do I cope with this jealousy and sadness?
— Jealous Mom
DEAR JEALOUS MOM: You must change your thinking. Be happy that your daughter is becoming close to her husband’s family. It could be different. Work hard to shift your jealous feelings to gratitude for her mother-in-law’s presence.
Separately, establish regular times for calls with your daughter — weekly, if possible — where you check in. You can let her know you miss her, but resist guilting her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I find it hard to say no when people ask me to help them out.
I created a consulting business so that people can hire me to provide these services, but nobody seems to want to pay.
I have had friends get offended when I suggested that they should pay for the solutions I offer them. They think I should help them because I am kind, or I am their friend, or it’s not an actual thing to pay for as a product.
How can I get people to take me seriously and pay for my expertise?
— Not For Free
DEAR NOT FOR FREE: You have to expand your network to people outside of your friend group. Potential clients are people who need your services and don’t imagine that they can have them for free.
Invite friends and family who have been benefiting from your expertise to share with their friends and co-workers what you are doing. Create a flyer or an online presence that you can give to them to help spread the word. Point out what your services are and what they cost so that they can tell their associates.
As far as the group of people who are accustomed to complimentary services, you can either let them know that you will have to charge them to continue helping them or incentivize them by offering them free or discounted services if they bring in paying clients who hire you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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