DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a widowed longtime friend who is like a family member to me. He attends all our holiday meals. However, his partner of several years has become a problem.
She became aggressive at our daughter’s engagement party, arguing with my best friend over politics. She wouldn’t back down when asked to change the subject. She even demanded that my friend leave my house, which of course I would not allow.
This Thanksgiving, we were at the home of my son’s in-laws, who graciously included my friend and his partner. The partner was on notice that this group did not like to talk politics and had different beliefs than hers. Even so, she again started talking about uncomfortable subjects, and I was asked to intervene.
She is getting a reputation for being difficult. I already invited them to an after-holidays party, but I can foresee more issues and don’t know what to do.
How do I either handle this at the party or disinvite them? I’m in a quandary.
I don’t want my other friends leaving early to avoid her. Should I be honest with them? I know she’s not going to change.
GENTLE READER: This sounds like a better conversation to have privately with the longtime friend — with the understanding that you are asking for his help in finding a way for everyone to get along, rather than coming in with a ready-made solution. (Certainly do not say that you are considering uninviting them to the party.)
Miss Manners suggests this approach because you will learn where you stand. Your friend is himself navigating an apparently difficult relationship, and you may find he understands the situation and perhaps has constructive suggestions.
If he instead says he sees no issues and that your family should just get over it, you may not be able to save the friendship, but it will still solve the long-term problem.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a cancer diagnosis two months ago. Initially, I was quite open in discussing it with others when warranted — for example, explaining to co-workers why I would be out on certain days.
I had a lot of optimism and didn’t feel I needed privacy, so I gave people carte blanche to ask questions.
Now I’m regretting the open invitation. My cancer is a little more serious than previously thought, and I’ve learned the hard way that well-meaning people accidentally deposit their fears and, frankly, conspiracies onto cancer patients.
It’s wearing away at what’s left of my optimism, and I’d really like to discuss anything else at this point.
Is there a way to politely take back the invitation? Or am I just going to have to lie in the bed I made?
GENTLE READER: Only the truly heartless will ignore a direct request of, “Could we talk about something else?”
For those who still persist, Miss Manners recommends either excusing yourself or asking something non-health-related about themselves that you are confident they would like to share.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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