DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and I got hired at the same big tech company three years ago.
We were both so excited because the company is a big deal to work for, and the compensation and benefits are competitive.
However, my friend recently got promoted, and it’s hard for me not to feel jealous. She is now a senior manager, and I’m still a manager.
I understand that everyone’s career looks different, but I feel stagnant. I’ve been stuck in the same role for so long now, and I’m starting to feel embarrassed. I’ve been trying to interview for roles internally and externally, but I haven’t been having any luck.
It’s especially hard because we used to talk about our goals together, and now I feel like I’m falling behind. When she shares updates about her new responsibilities or the bigger projects she’s leading, I try to be supportive, but inside I feel small. I find myself avoiding certain conversations because I don’t want to compare myself.
I’ve always considered myself ambitious and capable, so this period of feeling “stuck” is affecting my confidence.
I don’t want my jealousy to damage our friendship, but I also don’t know how to shake this feeling of inadequacy. How do I support my friend genuinely while also dealing with my own disappointment about my career?
— No Comparison
DEAR NO COMPARISON: Establish clear goals for yourself. Write them down and focus on achieving them. Find a mentor within or outside your company who can motivate you.
You need someone in addition to your friend who can be there for you. In this way, you can still be a friend to her and yourself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently lost a significant amount of weight, and it has been a journey to adjust to a different lifestyle.
The majority of my clothes don’t fit me properly, my curves aren’t as curvy as they used to be, and many people feel it is OK to comment on my new body.
I never hated my body no matter the size, but it has been difficult to learn how to maintain my new shape without being scared I will gain the weight back at the end of the next meal.
I think that, because I lost weight instead of gaining, people feel more inclined to share their thoughts about it, but I’m working on creating boundaries of respect in my relationships. How do I form these boundaries around my body without seeming insecure or rude?
— My Body
DEAR MY BODY: People can be unwittingly invasive when it comes to other people’s bodies and especially their weight. Even the most well-meaning can cross boundaries without realizing it.
You may cause a little rift by speaking up, but it may be worth it. Next time someone decides to offer an analysis about your weight, stop them by saying, “Thank you for your concern, but I would prefer if you keep those comments to yourself.” That may prompt a reaction. If so, follow up and say, “I know you love me and are concerned about me, but it is hard for me to have to listen to endless comments about my weight. Please stop.” If you say something like that a few times, most people will back off.
For your own self-esteem, consider getting help. A dramatic shift in your body is a lot to process. A therapist may be able to support you as you gain comfort in your new body and develop healthy behaviors to support it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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