DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been married to my husband for just over a year now, and I have been starting to get annoyed with how nice he is.
Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but it’s getting to a point where I am finally starting to see just how much he lets his family, friends and even strangers walk all over him.
For example, his sister constantly asks him for favors like rides to the airport at 4 a.m., help moving apartments and last-minute babysitting, and he always says yes, even when we already have plans. He’ll apologize to me for canceling, but he never tells her no.
At first, I thought this was just him being kind, and I admired that, but now I’m starting to feel like he is unable to set boundaries. It’s beginning to affect our marriage. I sometimes feel like I come second to everyone else’s needs.
I also worry that one day this will turn into resentment, either toward the people taking advantage of him or toward me for pointing it out.
When I try to bring this issue up to him, he tells me that I am being selfish and that it’s important that he can be there for the people in his life.
Am I being too critical? Is this just a difference in personality, or is it reasonable to want your spouse to have stronger boundaries?
— Drawing the Line
DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Sit down with your husband and point out that it looks like he is so busy being there for other people that he is not putting your marriage first. Tell him you appreciate his generosity and support for his family, but you think it is disproportionate to his own needs and personal life.
Tell him that being able to have boundaries does not make him a bad person. Instead, it gives him space to live his own life fully, to have control over his time and to be there for his marriage as he also supports loved ones. Ask him to reconsider his position on this matter.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Something is wrong with me, and I can’t seem to let go.
I was dating a guy for about a year, and I really liked him. Some things happened, and he broke it off. I keep looking at his social media posts, and I sometimes go to the places where we used to go to try to spot him. I have texted him recently, but he no longer responds.
How can I stop thinking about him and reaching out? It’s kind of pathetic, but I can’t seem to stop.
— Let Go
DEAR LET GO: What is drawing you to him? You say he broke it off. Why? What happened, and why can’t you accept that it is over?
You see that he is unresponsive, so he isn’t doing anything to encourage your attention. Perhaps it is hard for you to accept rejection.
Consider going to therapy to talk through this situation. Something deeper may be at work in your psyche that you need to address. Talk with a professional about this situation and your life in general, and work to come to an understanding of what keeps you interested in someone who is no longer interested in you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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