DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a new employee at a large company. How do I respond to nosy co-workers asking about where I previously worked?
I want to be polite, but I feel my privacy is being invaded.
GENTLE READER: Expecting your co-workers to stick to business is entirely reasonable, and Miss Manners would understand if you found questions about your personal life to be intrusive.
But questions about previous employment seem a reasonable way of getting to know the people with whom you will be spending a great deal of time. Remember that how much information you divulge when answering such questions is up to you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Strangers want to make small talk with me while waiting in grocery checkout lines, at bus stops, at the bank, during flights, etc. I do not want to make friends with strangers every time I step outside my house.
When this happens, I can’t bring myself to tell these people, “I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to talk,” because it is considered rude.
I attempt to drop gentle hints that I want to be left alone, through body language and short answers to their questions, but most of these people seem to be immune to hints.
So, I am forced to think up innovative ways to avoid talking while being careful not to hurt their feelings. For instance, in order to avoid a chatty lady who wants to become my friend at my regular bus stop, I go to another stop that is slightly out of my way. Once on a nine-hour flight, I was seated next to a talker, and I craned my neck the other way for the entire nine hours in order to avoid catching their eye, which would have led to a long conversation.
First, the obvious question: How can I let these well-meaning folks know, without being rude, that I do not wish to have a conversation?
The second part of my question is more philosophical than practical. Why is it not considered rude to engage me in conversation against my will, but it IS considered rude to tell people you don’t want to talk? Why is their desire to talk to me more valid than my wish not to talk to them? Is there an etiquette rule that says I must suffer instead of them?
GENTLE READER: Our ideas about rules and laws are inevitably shaped by major ones like the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights, which are short and pithy. But as a species, we don’t like to read (or take) instructions. Even the big rules are understood to include fine print, like killing in self-defense or not shouting “fire” in a crowded theater.
Yes, it is impolite not to respond when spoken to. But it is also impolite to engage someone in conversation against that person’s inclination.
Miss Manners assures you that you are not being impolite if, after one or two short responses, you find something to do that won’t give you a stiff neck and instead say, “Excuse me, I’m going to return to my book now.” Or “my thoughts.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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