Dear Eric: My sister’s daughter is getting married in the fall. My 20-year-old daughter has not been invited because it is “adults only.” This upsets both of us because she is close to her cousin.
When I asked if she could attend the wedding ceremony, I was told that I wasn’t even invited to the wedding ceremony because it was immediate family only, although the seven bridesmaids will outnumber the wedding guests.
Now I will be driving several hours to attend the reception. It feels like a long trip just for dinner. Just sending a gift will upset my sister. I am not sure how to handle this situation.
– Reception Only
Dear Reception: I do empathize with your disappointment about not being invited to the ceremony, but on a technical level the difference between a reception-only experience and one that includes the ceremony is probably only an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Yes, that’s a crucial hour, emotionally, legally, religiously, if they’re so inclined. But it might help you to think of the reception not as lesser, but just different.
Now, this doesn’t mean you’re required to go. If you find that thinking of the reception in a different way doesn’t assuage your hurt feelings, that’s fine. You can decide to send a gift and spare yourself the drive. But there probably isn’t a way to skip the event and not offend your sister.
I often get questions about weddings; people have different requests and requirements of their guests. It’s good for marrying couples to assume everyone’s best intentions and best efforts and be understanding of their guests. It’s also great for guests to say to themselves, this is their special day, and I want to be there to help make it special.
Tell your sister you want to make it special, but you’re feeling like an afterthought. Maybe she has some insight.
Dear Eric: I am recently widowed and have never seen my problem addressed. My spouse was a wonderful person. I now have the remnants and reminders of our 38 years together literally everywhere. Hobbies, clothes, boat motors, guitars, golf clubs, yard tools, woodworking supplies.
My children would love for me to continue living with it all. How do I separate from it?
– Mementos
Dear Mementos: I’m sorry for your loss; mementos can be a comfort or a hard reminder. And sometimes they’re both. The complicated feelings you’re likely feeling aren’t unusual.
There are options. Reach out to a senior downsizer or a professional organizer and enlist their help. They won’t start giving things away right off the bat. Rather, they’ll help you think through what you want your space to look like and they can help navigate conversations with your kids about handing things off.
It sounds like your children are experiencing part of their grief as sentimentality. That’s completely understandable. But the solution isn’t for your house to remain a museum. They can take mementos that mean something to them. Then you all, as a family, can thank the other mementos for what they gave to you and what they represent, then release them to another life.
Take your time with this. I imagine it’s overwhelming being surrounded by reminders of your fresh loss every day. Start small, perhaps by creating a space – a room, a corner – that is just yours to fill up or leave empty as you get to know this new version of yourself and process your feelings.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Rambling Relative,” whose 84-year-old mother had no cognitive issues but had begun rambling and repeating herself on their phone calls.
The letter writer may want to try this:
When she starts talking about people or events you don’t know anything about, get a pad and pencil and write down notes. Make sure you tell her you are doing this so maybe she will get to the point. (You can repeat each one back to her as if you are trying to get it right.) If you are a praying person, you can tell her you will take time to pray for them during the week.
The next time you talk to her, go down the list and ask how each one is doing. If she starts to ramble on about one of them, summarize by saying, “So no improvement there,” or “I’m glad so-and-so is doing better.” Then move on to the next one. After you finish the list, tell her something about your life, or ask her how she likes the weather, etc.
I hope this helps!
– My Mother’s Caregiver
Dear Caregiver: I think this is such a beautiful suggestion. This kind of active listening and engaging could change the experience for both letter writer and mother.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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