DEAR HARRIETTE: My 15-year-old son confided in me regarding something that happened at school, but he doesn’t want me to tell his father.
I am glad that he felt comfortable enough to tell me, but I feel like this is something that his dad should know. What my son shared wasn’t life-threatening, but it was serious enough that I worry about how it might affect him moving forward.
I don’t want to go against his trust, especially because I know how hard it can be for teenage boys to open up about their feelings, especially to their parents. At the same time, my husband and I have always tried to parent as a team, and keeping something like this from him feels dishonest.
If I tell my husband, I’m afraid my son will never confide in me again. If I don’t tell him, I feel like I’m shutting my husband out of something important in our child’s life.
I’m stuck between protecting my son’s trust and respecting my marriage. How do I handle this without damaging one of these relationships?
— Keeping a Secret
DEAR KEEPING A SECRET: Do you think your husband can hold the information without revealing his knowledge to your son? If so, tell him what you learned and preface it with the fact that you need him to hold the confidence. In that way, you can still be a team, with him providing input behind the scenes.
If he breaks the confidence, it could be devastating for your son. Make that clear.
Either way, you can encourage your son to confide in his dad on his own.
In the future, tell your son you don’t keep secrets from your husband. You want the three of you to work together to handle anything that comes along.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Unfortunately, as the youngest child of two immigrants and the first person in my family to be born in America, family members have often ignored my struggles and put them off as “luxury problems.” My sister has often been silenced as well, leading to her need to be seen.
As time has passed, my sister has developed several harmful habits like substance abuse and manipulative tendencies. As I watch my sister’s illness tear apart the family and my parents’ compliance enable it, I can’t help but feel resentment toward all of them.
As I enter my adult life, I would like to leave the strong feelings in the past and move on, but how?
Please advise on the way for me to process these unresolved emotions without lashing out, but while also respecting my experience.
— Sister, Sister
DEAR SISTER, SISTER: You have to carve out your own lane for your life. Clearly, you are not feeling supported by your family. Look beyond them to friends and mentors to find healthy ways to deal with your issues.
Who can understand your “luxury problems” and help you resolve them? Perhaps a guidance counselor at your school or a mental health adviser you find through your insurance.
Do your best to forgive your family for what they aren’t handling well and focus on how you can make smart choices for yourself. Learn from your sister’s mistakes. Love her, but don’t follow in her footsteps.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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