DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, I helped my close friend through a tough time when she was struggling financially and feeling lonely, but now that she’s in a better situation, she has completely stopped talking to me.
I was not only a friend who was there for her emotionally, I also supported her financially. She had recently gotten divorced and lost her job, so I sent her money to help pay her rent, with no expectation that she would pay me back.
I also spent a lot of time helping her look for jobs. She landed a well-paying job through a connection of mine, and she is now also dating again.
As a result of her newfound success, she doesn’t care to talk to me anymore.
It feels like she used me when she needed help, and now that her life has improved, she has forgotten about me. I’m hurt and confused, and I don’t know if I should confront her, let her go or try to be understanding.
Was I ignorant to be so generous, or is this just part of friendship sometimes? How do I move forward without feeling bitter?
— Forgotten
DEAR FORGOTTEN: Try to separate your feelings of abandonment from this friend and what you did for her.
Since you wanted to support her financially and also help her get a job, allow those things to sit without judgment around them. You helped her to the best of your ability during a tough time.
Now that she has healed from the emotional and financial shock that hit her system, she is putting herself out there and living her life. Be happy that she is bouncing back and finding a healthy rhythm.
At the same time, you can feel sad. Rather than loading her up with the baggage of her not thinking about you now that things are good — even though you were there for her when she was in need — let her know that you miss her. Ask her, directly but without reproach, if she will make a little time to spend with you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was in an intense relationship for about a year, but I’ve been single again for a few months.
I want to date again, but I find myself analyzing every move a new guy makes as I worry about whether he will turn out to be like my ex in the worst of ways. I feel like I am assuming bad intentions from anybody who gets near me thanks to him.
How can I free myself of the past?
— Not Him
DEAR NOT HIM: Go back to basics. Write out the qualities that you appreciate in a partner and those that you do not. Be clear about what you hope your next partner will behave like and what is unacceptable.
When you meet new people, measure them against your values — not your ex’s faults. Assume the positive, even as you move slowly.
If you need to work through any of the baggage from your past relationship, invest in a therapist.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Leave a Reply