Dear Eric: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and were eager to make friends. We became close to “Susan” and “Mike” rather quickly and saw them often.
I realized after several months that, while I enjoyed Susan’s company, her partner Mike is not someone I am comfortable with. He is a heavy drinker and makes sexist and racist comments that leave me cringing.
I’ve reached out to Susan several times to suggest the two of us do things solo, but unfortunately, they are quite joined at the hip.
She’s reached out a number of times over the past couple of months to ask about our next get-together, and each time I pretended we had conflicts but didn’t suggest alternative dates. She reached out again today, and I feel bad.
I can’t keep avoiding them, but I am not sure how to best put some distance between us without creating ill will. I feel that honesty isn’t the best policy here, but maybe I am just trying to avoid the inevitable.
– Uncoupling the Couple
Dear Couple: On Monday, I published a letter with a slightly similar issue and replied that, alas, you can’t divorce someone else’s husband. The same is true in your case.
Moreover, I think it would be wise to accept what Susan is communicating to you. If she and Mike are a package deal, warts and all, it will probably help you to think of them that way.
I know that Susan’s presence is more tolerable to you than Mike’s – and, from what you’ve written, for good reason. But it doesn’t do you much good to think about how ideal your friendship would be if you could just get Susan away from him. Not going to happen.
Indeed, if he’s saying racist and sexist things and you’re cringing, but she isn’t, Mike might not be the only one to hold those opinions.
I don’t mean to malign Susan’s character, and it’s not right to hold anyone responsible for their spouse’s actions, but it sounds like she’s thinking of this as a couple friendship. And so, the truth, for you, is that it doesn’t work.
I find directness to be the best course when one friend keeps reaching out, difficult though it may sometimes be. The alternative – slowly drifting apart or escalating instances of ignoring – stands to create just as much ill will. Instead, consider telling the truth: “We like you and we’ve appreciated being friends with you, but it’s hard to take some of Mike’s comments, such as [X] and [Y].”
Dear Eric: My mother is in her last months of life. She has been cared for in her home for the last three years by increasingly expensive home health care workers.
I and other siblings have suggested over and over that she be put in a care home for round-the-clock care, but our oldest sibling (I’ll call them “Jimmy”) has steadfastly refused, saying nursing homes let people die and neglect patients and cause massive bedsores and all sorts of terrible over-the-top excuses.
Well, now that Jimmy’s mother-in-law is going into a nursing home, Jimmy has decided it’s time for our mother to go as well.
We have had family meetings where we decide as a sibling group how to care for our mother and then Jimmy goes against the group decision.
Prior to the conflict over our mother’s care, I had a good, albeit not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I’m so frustrated by the selfish choices made regarding our mother’s care that I’m ready to say goodbye forever once mom is buried.
Should I let years of bullying in regard to caring for our mother be the cause to cut off contact with Jimmy?
– Frustrated Little Sister
Dear Sister: It’s really unfortunate that Jimmy is dealing with the stress, confusion, and grief of this phase of life by refusing to collaborate and resorting to, as you write, bullying behavior.
Perhaps in their mind, Jimmy is the one keeping the ship right. Perhaps they’re grasping after a version of life that’s no longer possible. I have empathy for Jimmy and for you, but the fact is that no matter the intentions, Jimmy has caused harm in your relationship, and that needs repair.
Don’t cut Jimmy off; do have a conversation about the way you’ve interacted in the past. There’s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it’s fine to say something like, “I didn’t like being in conflict about mom’s care. I want us to have a different relationship going forward. How can we do that?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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