DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend I’ve known for over 30 years. We’re both retired. I’m married, she isn’t.
I keep very busy with a big house, rescued animals and projects I like to work on. I’m not much for talking long on the phone, but I don’t mind texting, because I can reply when I have time.
The last couple of years, this friend has become increasingly annoying with her phone calls. If I reply quickly to her texts, she takes it as an open invitation to call me. She’ll talk for hours about the quilts or the loaves of bread she’s made.
She posts things on social media that should be kept private. It’s so embarrassing, some of the things she’s posted. I’ve noticed she’s not getting too many “likes” or comments, so I hope she’s taking the hint.
I’ve learned to not answer her texts right away. I’ll wait hours sometimes. I’ll say something about being busy or tired and going to bed soon — and next thing I know, she’s calling.
I tell her that my phone isn’t working right, or that it was on the charger and I wasn’t nearby, but I can only do that so many times.
I couldn’t sleep the other night, so I got online and I happened to post something I thought was funny. I’ll be doggone, she saw it and texted me! I have everything set to “private” but she could see I was awake. I ignored her.
The last straw was when she threw her two cats outside. One ended up dead in the neighbors’ yard, and who knows what happened to the other one. I think the first one was poisoned, from what she was telling me. She didn’t seem to care. I love animals and feel she was wrong to do what she did.
I feel like a snob, but I don’t have time for her mundane conversations just because she’s bored and I’m not. I can go back and forth texting other people all day, and we enjoy it without bothering each other with phone calls.
I think I’m just looking for validation that it’s OK not to respond to her each time.
GENTLE READER: And you are maintaining this friendship because …?
Those 30 years, of course. Indeed, it is kind to tolerate longtime friends who have become lonely and boring.
Miss Manners is not one to attribute all poor behavior to medical problems and to excuse it on those grounds, as many free-range diagnosticians do. So let us first address the common problem of setting limits on friends who intrude on one’s time.
The simplest solution to those telephone calls is to explain your and your other friends’ habit of conversing only by text, and to say that such has become your policy. It is, in fact, an increasingly popular way of curbing the immediate demands of the telephone.
Then never pick up. And certainly never tell this person anything that you don’t want to be made public.
But the cat incident is alarming, and not only because of its cruelty. It does seem time to express concern about your friend to those more closely responsible for her welfare.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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