DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our dear friends Hank and Bridget have been married for more than 35 years. Each had been married previously and had one child each, and they have a child together. That child is now a married adult.
Here is the rub. Since her two half-siblings are each more than 10 years older, she has been treated like an only child and given every opportunity not afforded to the others. This has caused some consternation between her and her siblings, which has spilled over to any friends her parents associate with on a regular basis.
Case in point: For the last 20 years, we have celebrated a holiday with Hank and Bridget and their friends at their vacation house with a barbecue and drinks. Their vacation home is about two hours away, so we always rent a hotel for the night rather than drive home in holiday traffic.
As per usual, we received the annual party invitation, and my wife called Bridget to discuss what potluck items to bring. At that point, Bridget informed her that there was a change of plans and there would not be a potluck meal, just dessert. She said her daughter felt that since she had given birth about two months ago (her third child), she (the daughter) and her husband would feel too overwhelmed with everyone at the parents’ house to enjoy a party.
My wife and I are dumbfounded! Wouldn’t the daughter and her husband be just as overwhelmed with several people attending for dessert as they would be for a dinner party? We don’t get what the difference would be!
We have discussed this situation, and have come to the agreement that driving two hours and paying for a hotel are too much for just having dessert. How should we proceed?
GENTLE READER: By not going. But please do not explain why.
Telling your dear friends that they have spoiled and indulged their only mutual child into being a dictator who eschews the culinary needs of their guests for her own temperamental whims will not be the antidote to their problem that you think it will.
Miss Manners will also counter by asking what the real difference to you is between driving two hours for dinner or for dessert — the point is to see your friends, is it not? (You could pack a picnic or get drive-thru on the way.)
But finding a solution is not really the point here. This is about control. And you have just as much ability to exercise yours as your friends’ child does. As long as you do so politely.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just found out that the mother of my high school best friend has passed away. I live halfway across the country and would incur $1,500 in expenses to go to the funeral.
Is it OK not to go since I live so far away? Or does it look bad?
GENTLE READER: As long as you write a thoughtful condolence letter to your friend, you do not need to attend.
But please, Miss Manners implores you, omit the real reason: that it is expensive and inconvenient. That is the part that looks bad.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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