DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m hosting a party with my best friend. We used a social networking site as our form of invitations; it’s a really informal event.
My best friend’s ex-girlfriend saw it and has invited herself to the party. She said, “I saw that you forgot to add me so I added myself.”
I don’t want her at the party. There is a lot of bad history with her, simply because she creates drama. In the past, she has cried, fainted and even told others that she is contemplating suicide just to get attention.
Ever since my best friend ended things with her, she has been showing up at events that she wasn’t invited to, throwing herself at him (and other men) in sad attempts to win him back.
If she shows up at the party, she will create such tension that it will be ruined.
How do I politely tell her that she is not welcome, and what do I do if she shows up anyway?
GENTLE READER: What does your best friend have to say about all this? It is not that Miss Manners mistrusts your intentions, but you are doing an awful lot of thinking and fretting on his behalf.
The problem with posting events on social media is that other people see them — and either assume that they are invited, feel bad that they were not, or invite themselves. Although it is still impolite for the ex-girlfriend to have done the latter, a less public invitation would have eliminated the situation in the first place.
But here we are. If you can politely tell her that you think the party might be awkward for her — or better yet, have your best friend do it — that would be a first step. If she shows up anyway, you (or he) can reiterate.
But if all that fails, and the party is in fact ruined, at least you will have learned that there are risks to making invitations visible to all.
Also, whether or not you deem it overly dramatic, if this woman is routinely crying, fainting and threatening her own life, someone should check on her.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year for our birthdays, my husband and I receive a gift from a business associate. Previously, it was a small package of gourmet cookies. This past year, we each received very gooey caramels, which we cannot eat. We are in our 80s and have all our teeth — along with pricey dental work.
How can we let them know their thoughts are appreciated, but we can’t eat the gift without hurting their feelings?
GENTLE READER: By saying “thank you” and then quietly passing the candy along to people with less pricey teeth.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter pushes food onto her fork with her index finger. Is it polite to use your knife for this purpose? Peas, for instance, are hard to eat with just a fork or spoon.
GENTLE READER: How old is your daughter? If she is under 5, Miss Manners will allow her to use a spoon on a non-precedential basis. But any older than that, and she will have to learn to chase them around with a fork like everybody else.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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