Dear Eric: I have a neighbor who seems really interested in being friends with me. She always speaks when I pass by, sends holiday cards, et cetera.
We’ve talked about getting together for a meal or something but didn’t get much past the talk.
I don’t have anything against her. She seems nice enough. But when I moved in, another neighbor told me to avoid her since she’s a liar.
I don’t go in much for drama and gossip, so I haven’t asked for any more information. But I trust this other neighbor. (We were actually friendly before I moved into the neighborhood.)
Mostly, I just want to be left alone.
Do you think I should try to avoid the liar neighbor or what?
– Good Fences
Dear Fences: I’m no judge but there seems to be a lot of hearsay happening here.
The neighbor who gave you the warning was vague in a way that perhaps suggests discretion, but in reality, only muddies the waters. Either say something helpful (and objectively true) or say nothing at all; a blanket warning hews too close to gossip for my taste.
If you want to be friends with this other neighbor, trust your judgment and proceed with caution, just as you would with anyone else.
However, if you’re fine with an occasional hello and a holiday card, it doesn’t need to go beyond that. Sometimes the best neighborly relationships are the ones where everyone stays in their respective yards. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Dear Eric: “Contact with No-Contact” wrote about a brother-in-law who had suddenly gone no contact and wondered how to navigate an upcoming wedding where he and his wife would be.
The letter writer wrote, “I have developed close relationships with others in the extended family but dread dealing with these relatives again.”
This struck a chord with me.
When my sister-in-law told me she never wanted to speak to me again, I was relieved. Having made a diligent effort to mend the broken fence “of the moment” and being unequivocally rejected, I no longer had to chase a friendship that would never materialize.
But we are still relatives and therefore see each other at family gatherings. Internally, I pretend that I am meeting them for the first time. Every. Single. Time. Whether they snub me or not, either way, it doesn’t matter.
I go to these events, and I enjoy them for what they are, and live in those moments without imprinting the scars of this failed relationship over those events.
– Bitter But Better
Dear Better: I think you’re making an interesting point here that may be helpful to others. We can’t erase the past and, for many, pretending to be meeting for the first time won’t do much to ease the pain of a severed relationship. But what I see in your letter is that you’re choosing a mindset.
You’ve accepted that the relationship with your sister-in-law has fractured and yet you’re still in each other’s lives. Instead of relitigating the fracture every time you see her, you’re living in the present. I think that’s something that we can all try on for size.
We don’t always get the past that we want. And we don’t always get the present that we want, either. But by accepting those things as facts, we can start to see what’s possible and perhaps let go of expectations that just dredge up old hurts.
Dear Eric: I have been taking dance classes from the same instructor for years. There are a number of us students who would like to see more technique taught, as opposed (or in addition) to more steps, as some dance styles rely heavily on technique (West Coast Swing is an example).
We really enjoy the classes and the instructor’s commitment to providing lessons to anyone, regardless of their ability/level.
Since I’ve never taught dance classes, I don’t know if things work better keeping everything “simpler,” so to speak, or if the instructor might be misjudging the capabilities of the students?
It’s tricky to bring this up as we don’t want to criticize the teaching style, but we also want to feel that we, and the other students, are getting some of the important techniques that are sometimes lacking.
– Movin’ and Groovin’
Dear Movin’: The question “how can I learn more about this?” is such a wonderful invitation and could, in your case, open the door to a more advanced class or additional technique lessons.
I imagine that your dance instructor has a passion for the form. Many teachers do. So, try to have a conversation rooted in your shared enthusiasm. This will likely sound less like a critique and more like what it is: a desire to know more and to participate more fully.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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