DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m worried about my friend’s hygiene and that it might have bigger implications.
I’m visiting from out of town, and I stayed at his place. After a few days of sightseeing, we decided a sabbatical was in order, so we stayed in for the next three days.
I thought it was a healthy choice to relax, binge-watch some movies and indulge in some snacks, but during this time, he didn’t shower at all, and the scent was alarming. His bedsheets were unclean, and the delivery person for our takeout knew him by name.
Before staying with him and getting this personal POV of his lifestyle, I thought everything was OK, but now I wonder if something is wrong. I’ve heard that sometimes things like overindulging in TV, overeating and poor hygiene can be signs of depression.
How should I approach this?
— Brink of Depression
DEAR BRINK OF DEPRESSION: Your friend could simply be a slob. There are people who don’t have good hygiene. He certainly is one of them, but he could also have an emotional problem. You do not have the training needed to spot the difference.
Because you are concerned, stay in touch with him more. Ask him about his life and his goals. Talk to him about your plans for the future, and encourage him to make some of his own.
If you are up for it, consider going back to visit so you can check on him. This time, challenge him about taking a shower and cleaning up. Jump in and help him.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My partner and I decided to take a break because I felt consistently unheard in our relationship. No matter how many times I tried to express my needs, it seemed like they never truly landed, and I reached a point where I needed distance for my own emotional well-being.
Now something heartbreaking has happened: His father passed away suddenly.
Even though we’re separated, I can’t stop thinking about him and what he must be going through. A part of me wants to reach out, offer support and be there for him the way I always was when we were together.
Another part of me wonders if doing that would betray the boundaries I set for myself when I stepped away.
Should I be there for him in this moment of loss, or should I respect the space we agreed on and trust that someone else in his life will show up for him instead?
— Emotionally Available
DEAR EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE: Reach out to him. The death of a parent can be devastating for a person. If ever there is a time when a person needs a loved one, it is now.
Contact him. Express your condolences. Ask if you can do anything to help. Be actively supportive.
At the same time, remember that this is a vulnerable time for you and your ex, and you will be doing what you always do — tend to him. Chances are, he will appreciate you greatly, and tender feelings could resurface.
Do not expect him to change. Resist falling back into a relationship with him. Help him through this period, but then either move on or let him know the conditions under which you would stay.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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