Dear Eric: My spouse and I are senior citizens, and we occasionally have small gatherings, or what I intended to be small gatherings.
The last couple gatherings have turned into large gatherings due to other people being brought by the invited guests; I know the uninvited people but as acquaintances. Also, neighbors on our block see the cars arriving at our house and just come on over.
I’m very reluctant to do any more entertaining now. Any suggestions?
– Overfull House
Dear House: Being proactive about communicating what is and is not possible will be helpful.
When next you send out invitations, for instance, you can include a friendly but clear caveat like, “We’re keeping this gathering small, so please, only invited guests this time.” Or you can be even lighter with it: “We know our parties are the events of the year, but please check with us before bringing anyone else.”
You can use the same tactic with your neighbors, perhaps by phone or in person. “We wanted to give you a heads-up that we’ll be having a couple of people over, so you may see the cars in the neighborhood. This is a small gathering so please don’t feel offended that we don’t have space for you. However, we’d love to get together another time.” (You can choose to exclude that last sentence if it doesn’t apply. You’re under no obligation to offer alternative plans.)
Some people may need a bit more firmness. A neighbor simply deciding that they’re invited to any gathering on the block suggests either presumptuousness or a level of neighborly familiarity on par with “Sesame Street.” (Not a bad thing, at all. But, as your letter reflects, sometimes an obstacle.) So, if a neighbor shows up, even after you’ve communicated your intentions for the event, you may have to turn them away, with a smile.
Dear Eric: My son-in-law is struggling with alcoholism, and it is very hard for me to watch my daughter struggle with some of the same problems my mother did. (My father was an alcoholic who for most of my young life was reformed, but also angry, critical and difficult to live with.)
My daughter’s husband doesn’t have the temper my father did, so luckily she does not fear that he will physically hurt her or their two daughters.
He misses family gatherings, especially at the holidays; he is often asleep all day after drinking most of the night. His 12-year-old daughter has given him grief about being in bed so much. He and my daughter have fought over this in the past, but I think she has given up and accepted that something terrible will have to happen for him to seek help.
He went to a rehab center for two weeks but left because the weekends were “boring.”
I don’t believe his drinking has affected his job. His time is very flexible, and he works from home for the most part.
I know I can’t fix him, but a part of me wants to try something. He probably thinks that since his daughters don’t see him drinking, he isn’t hurting them. I know firsthand that’s an illusion on his part. And I don’t think he realizes how much his drinking affects the whole, extended family.
Personally, I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about him, my daughter and granddaughters. An intervention is in my mind.
Do you have an opinion on doing that sort of thing without professional help? A kind of tough love approach?
– Family in Crisis
Dear Family: You’re right that one person’s struggles with alcohol can and do affect the whole family. And your personal history with someone who abused alcohol and struggled with society makes your son-in-law’s behavior especially triggering.
As you know, you can’t force someone to get and stay sober unless they, too, want to. So, while there are various interventions that might work temporarily – from a formal intervention to separation – at the moment you can have a greater impact by focusing on the health of the other members of the family, yourself included.
To that end, I’d suggest that you and your daughter visit a meeting of SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon, groups for people whose friends or family members struggle with alcohol. They’re available online and in person. There you’ll meet other people who understand what you’re going through and can help you to create healthy boundaries for yourselves and your granddaughters. There’s also a group called Alateen that can support your granddaughters as they process what’s happening.
Regardless of how your son-in-law chooses to address his unhealthy relationship with alcohol, it’s important to remember that the family needs the help of recovery, too. You don’t have to be held captive by his decisions; help is available now.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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