Dear Eric: I have two daughters who are estranged. I do not want to get in the middle of it, but it is getting ridiculous.
Daughter #1 did not want Daughter #2 to marry her choice in husbands but she did anyway.
Now, a few years have passed and the situation is worse. Daughter #1 will not communicate with #2 and won’t acknowledge her new baby, and even seeing a photo of the baby can set her off. The hate for #2’s husband (who is a very good father and husband) is so bad that #1 says she won’t set foot in the same state as him. Daughter #1’s husband seems to support her in whatever choices she makes.
They live in separate states and do not live near me either, so until my funeral they probably won’t see each other.
Do I continue to ignore this situation in hopes time will be the great healer?
– Sad Mother
Dear Mother: From the way you’ve described things, this conflict is fairly one-sided.
Daughter #1 made an ultimatum that wasn’t hers to make, and is now punishing your second daughter – and, by extension, the rest of the family – because of it. Surely there’s more to it (there always is) but I can’t really blame Daughter #2 for saying “enough is enough.”
I’m tempted to say ignore it, but judging by the amount of information you know about the situation, it seems that you’re hearing updates anyway.
Inserting yourself into this situation will only cause more stress. However, you can think critically about how this estrangement is impacting your individual relationships with each daughter and respond from that place.
You may need to tell one or both of them that you’re stepping back from hearing about it and, by extension, worrying about it, to preserve your own peace. Alternatively, if their refusal to see each other is keeping you from something you want or need, you can tell them that, too.
You likely can’t bridge the gap between them, but you can keep your relationship with each of them healthier by knowing when to say, “I love you both but you’re adults and I’m going to let you handle this how you see fit.”
Dear Eric: My family is very passive-aggressive. Often it is expressed by failing to include me in family events or even inform me of them. Many times, these are important events like a wedding, graduation, funeral, et cetera.
I haven’t done anything bad to deserve this treatment.
I’m definitely not a Type-A personality like my siblings. Nor am I concerned with money, status or fitting in with the Joneses. I have lived my life my own way, disregarding the constant advice and direction from my family. Their constant criticism was very hurtful, and my psychologist helped me deal with it.
However, I now have metastatic cancer and still have three siblings who rarely contact me. I don’t want anything from them except their moral support and prayers. Is there a way to make this happen?
– Cancer Warrior
Dear Warrior: I’m sorry you’re going through this, both the diagnosis and the lack of support from your family.
I want to preface my advice with a caveat. Your family may not be able to show up for you in the way that you need or want. The history that you described indicates that they may not understand the way that you want to be communicated with and loved.
So, while it’s possible to ask for what you want – and I encourage you to do so – it’s also important to make sure that you’ve got the support you’re looking for elsewhere. That may come from friends or other loved ones or a community – neighbors, a religious organization, a social group. It may also come from a cancer support group, if you find that works for you.
The top priority right now is that you are getting the emotional care that you need for this journey. Years of family misalignment or mistreatment aren’t going to go away overnight, and so some forms of contact might do more harm than good.
That said, you can reach out to your family with a specific request. “I have metastatic cancer and it will really help me if you’ll pray for me, can you do that?” Or “It would really encourage me if you’d commit to reaching out once a week by phone, is that something you can do?”
The specifics are important. Because one person’s “keeping in touch” may not match another person’s expectation. And, again, if they can’t or won’t show up for you in the way that you need, that doesn’t mean no one will. Once you figure out what ideal support looks like, feel free to ask others for it, too.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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