DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m fortunate to have had a dear friend ever since kindergarten.
We were close all through school, and when I moved a few hours away for college and work, I would see her when I came into town to visit family. We stayed in touch and saw each other at least a few times a year. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and we have shared some great times together over 30-plus years.
When I moved back to town, we started to get together more often, and during that time I became closer with her friend group.
Miss Manners, these gatherings were tough for me as an introvert. The group got larger and larger, to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable being involved. My friend would be preoccupied with the others, and I didn’t always feel accepted or welcome.
Most of these friends have things in common, and their incomes are also much higher than mine. The group dinners cost me a decent portion of my monthly budget, whereas these friends seem to dine out in nice restaurants multiple times a week (which I know about because of social media).
The last event I attended was to be part of the “cheer squad” for my friend’s first marathon, which was in a city across the country. The trip was exhausting, expensive and slightly alienating for me.
I just couldn’t keep up after that. I didn’t have the energy or desire to attend anything, or to reciprocate on invitations. My partner is also very introverted and we prefer not to host.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen my friend.
It feels like I really dropped the ball, but I’m not sure how to rebuild our connection in a way that feels sustainable for me. I feel like I owe her an apology or an explanation, but I’m a bit embarrassed by my taking so long to reach out and make plans together.
How can I navigate this friendship in a way that honors our shared history and connection?
GENTLE READER: Wolves and college students socialize in packs, but human adults are allowed to have non-overlapping circles of friends.
Miss Manners suggests that you call her and propose an event that does not involve other people, transcontinental travel, or apologies. If you find that you still enjoy one another’s company, you can then worry about the next event.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve had celiac disease for more than a decade, and it still hurts my feelings when people bring gluten-y cookies or cakes to group gatherings, and nothing for me.
When I bring gluten-free items, everyone can partake. If someone is vegan, I’ll make sure to make treats without butter.
We’re talking small groups of four or five people, including me. Would it be wrong to chide people for not bringing anything for me?
GENTLE READER: Yes.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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