Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We’re both in good health. We have one child who is an adult and lives independently but close by.
My husband and I enjoy marijuana now that it has been legalized in our state. Between the two of us, we smoke one joint after 7 p.m. about four days a week. We also enjoy it on special occasions like holidays and birthdays.
Lately, when our adult child has been over to visit and we step away to share a joint, they’ll comment, “I thought you only smoked on certain days” or something to that effect. I feel like they’re keeping tabs on us, or even judging us by saying “OK” in a disapproving way.
We are never in a “far out” state of mind after we smoke (or eat edibles). It relaxes us and we enjoy music, watch a funny movie or program until we get tired and go to bed. If we had to go somewhere in an emergency, we would Uber it. Our adult child is aware of this.
I’d like to mention that up to a year ago, this adult child smoked marijuana with us at times. They had some health issues that have since been taken care of. They’re not anti-marijuana but seem to be focusing on our use.
It makes me uneasy in my own home when this happens. Sometimes we have to “sneak” it in while they’re visiting to avoid any questions/comments.
When these comments start coming, I want to tell this adult child that it’s none of their business what we do in our home. I feel policed and judged by them. I also feel like I don’t have to explain anything. Any advice?
– Senior High
Dear High: Bring it up to your child in a neutral manner and ask to have a discussion about it. Start by saying something like, “I’ve noticed that when we smoke, you often comment.” Then explain how you feel when that happens and ask them if you’re reading the situation in the way they’re intending. Something like, “When that happens, it makes me wonder if you think we’re using marijuana too much. Do you?”
The goal of the conversation is to get and give more information. Maybe your child’s response is more about their own journey, and they don’t realize how they’re coming off. Or maybe they do have concerns. If the latter turns out to be the case, it’s better for both of you that those concerns are verbalized.
It’s up to you whether you agree with those concerns and whether you decide to make a change. But by opening the door to a conversation about what’s being said, you free both yourself and your child from interior narratives that can cause resentments.
Dear Eric: My 80-year-old sister lives alone. Her husband passed away a long time ago, and she has no children. She lies so much that it’s upsetting.
She lies to everyone around her about her previous job. She tells the senior center that she has children who live out of state. She used to be a poet and published two books; she lied about her education in the author bios.
I’ve repeatedly told her that lying is wrong. She refuses to listen to my advice. It’s sad that I can’t respect her like this, but sometimes I even hate her.
What should I do as her sister? I want to be honest with everyone around me about my sister, but I also have to consider her pride.
– Upset Younger Sister
Dear Sister: Lying this much indicates that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps it’s psychological, perhaps it’s emotional. Perhaps she’s trying to cope with grief or disappointment or shame. It’s not for me to diagnose.
While I understand the frustration that her lying causes you, it’s also important to consider that this behavior has likely caused problems for her. It’s unlikely that you’re the only person who has caught her in this. It may seem, to her, like a solution, but it’s also a source of chaos in her life.
At this point, the best path forward may be to accept that this is a choice that she’s making, for better or for worse. That doesn’t mean condoning it. Indeed, it’s probably best to think about what internal boundaries you need to set up to preserve some part of this relationship. You may need to hear less about her life, for instance.
Setting up these boundaries will also help you release the need to talk to everyone around you about her.
Her lying is her problem; by continuing to bring it up to others, you’re making it your problem, too, which isn’t helping you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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